Lesson 2: Insecurity is contagious, but so is freedom.

After asking 10 people I deeply respect what they've seen in me that most people wouldn't be willing to tell me, there was one lesson in particular that I could not ignore.

A good friend told me that he sometimes feels that he hasn't done enough with his life when he's around me. It hit me like a bolt of lightning that the moments he was referring to were ones when I was feeling insecure and I'd turned to my experiences to feel better... All I did was pass my insecurity on to him. 

When our behavior is driven by our insecurity, all we do is pass it on- Friend to friend, parent to child, husband to wife, speaker to audience, Christian to neighbor...

I couldn't ignore that I do this in relationships. Nor could I miss who was doing that to me even in these conversations. It was interesting to watch those who enjoyed being "superior" to me in this process, pointing out my wrongs seemingly just to put me in my place. 

There was a moment when time seemed to slow down. One of my mentors was cutting into me pretty good and I noticed the shadow of insecurity approaching. Suddenly I remembered something a friend had said a while back, "maybe it's ok to feel insecure..." It left me in this interesting place where I felt insecure, but didn't judge myself for feeling it. In this moment that was free from being driven by my insecurity (actually my judgement of insecurity) I looked up,  seeing the insecurity of the one who was criticizing me. 

I instantly realized the truth of what my friend had brought to me. Earlier I'd been on the side of passing it on but in that moment I was on the other side, just about to receive it. But chose not to. The choice wasn't to refuse to listen, it was to refuse to judge the other's insecurity. It was interesting. The choice to judge insecurity was one choice. I could not choose to judge theirs and not mine- In one choice both were decided.

As a leader... maybe just as a man, I need to chose to not judge insecurity, mine or others'. Else I will be driven by my own and a victim of another's. In doing so I will find myself busy trying to feel better by criticizing others and judging who they've been. Rather, I can choose to know that insecurity is part of life, put it aside and be driven by my hope for the future that I'm willing to invest in.

-----

When I am driven by: 

- Insecurity, I will pass it on.

- Awareness of the future and ability to contribute to it, I put down judgement of my own insecurity and so free from using theirs against them.

Live loved.

I recently asked a man I really admire to mentor me. In his agreement to do so, he asked what I wanted to grow in. After reading over my answer, I realized that what I wanted to grow in was what I already did well. I wasn't really aware of what I didn't know. So, I asked around. I met with 10 people whom I deeply respect and asked them what they saw in me that most people wouldn't be willing to say to me. While I learned a myriad of lessons, the one that may be the most profound was how to not be hurt by what they said.

This process included tears, embarrassment, 1000yd stares at the wall after the conversations and a couple afternoons when the phone just got turned off. One person called me shallow and dangerous  and another called me a ball & chain to someone I love. In those moments there was a consistent choice that I had to make- I could either be crushed by the fact that I had not proven to this person that I was who I hoped I was, or I could become stronger, healthier and freer than I had been prior to the conversation... More like the man I'd hoped I was.

It quickly became amusing that each of these people had seen what I was sure I'd hidden flawlessly. It was funny to realize how well people knew me and the fact that they were willing to humor my attempts to present a more sorted version of myself. Once I got past the shock that they already knew what I thought I'd hidden from them, I got to face who I really am, experience how much I am in the presence of love... and grow.

Whenever I was confronted with their perspective, I was confronted with a very simple reality. That they saw someone other than what I had presented. The painful part of that was that they saw someone that I didn't think they would love. After all, I had defined that side of me as unlovable. So I presented a more selective version of myself... A "more lovable" one.

The pain quickly faded when I watched the expression on their face not change as they got to see the whole of who I am. They didn't agree that the more sorted version of me was more worthy of love. To watch the unsorted version get loved and actually change before my eyes as it could finally breathe, stretch and grow - I couldn't get stuff out fast enough. To watch myself become more of the man I'd wanted to be as I let all sides of me experience acceptance was nothing short of brilliant.

I'd hid parts of who I am in fear that I would not add up to "enough to be loved." It hurt when people pointed things out when I thought their comments diminished my final score. When I saw that they were pulling out sides of me that had been neglected into a reality of God's love I couldn't help but want them to go deeper. When I realized that God's love wasn't about me being worthy of it, I was free to soak in it and be changed by it.

It became easy to filter through moments of unhelpful criticizing and find the valuable insight because the stuff that was true came to life in the light, the stuff that wasn't just showed me when the person across from me was feeling insecure themselves. Those words weren't spoken in a moment that the person was hopeful for my future, but rather in a moment when the person needed to feel better about themselves. 

What I realized was that I am free to live as though all of me is well loved. I'm free to make choices as a man who's loved, relate with people as one who's already filled up, and face fears or take risks as a man who can not fail because I rest in a God who knows what His love will do in my life. I'm free to simply live loved.

Lost or loved: what is it that I'm trying to reveal?

Someone was recently talking to me about how lost we are here in California. It was hard to hear because there wasn't really anything I could do about what God has or has not revealed to me yet. It left me feeling pretty sad and I felt like the words had come to repossess my hope, as if I hadn't paid rent on my faith. 

Where could I go with this message? Repent for what God hasn't done yet? Condemn myself for not being fruitful enough? What do I do with a message that I am lost? What do we expect others to do with the message that we give them that they are lost..? 

Is that the truth that God is excited to reveal? Is that the truth that Jesus was willing to die for?

Something deep in me can't say it is. The truth that I hear God screaming over me is not that I'm lost, but that I'm loved. 

What if I looked at people with that as the thing that defined my perception of them... That they are loved, and don't know it yet. What if I locked my heart onto who they are in God's love revealed. What joy might well up if they agreed with me..?

Am I enough?

I sat on a rock, looking out over the ocean and told God that this time was his, that he could say whatever he wanted. He said, "I love you."

I responded with, "Ok, thanks. What else?"

He came back with, "I love you."

Annoyed, I sent back, "I know. Tell me something profound!"

He said, "I love you."

This went on for 4 days.

Eventually I realized that what I was annoyed at was my belief that I wasn't worth loving...

For years I carried with me a lie that I wasn't enough to be loved.

I eventually realized that it is a lie and began to search out the answer that I believed was true, that I was enough.... worth loving. But even spending my time on that left me in the same place. There's been no answer to that question that brought me closer to love.

I'm realizing now that it may be an irrelevant question. Being loved has nothing to do with me, it has to do with the nearness of One who loves. One who loves not because of who I am but because of who He is.

As long as I hold on to the question, "Am I enough?", my hands are full... too full to grab hold of the love God's been offering me the whole time. 

Putting down the question left me free to be grateful for how much he loves. But I've discovered that I cannot carry the question and his love at the same time. I must put down one to carry the other.