Live loved.

I recently asked a man I really admire to mentor me. In his agreement to do so, he asked what I wanted to grow in. After reading over my answer, I realized that what I wanted to grow in was what I already did well. I wasn't really aware of what I didn't know. So, I asked around. I met with 10 people whom I deeply respect and asked them what they saw in me that most people wouldn't be willing to say to me. While I learned a myriad of lessons, the one that may be the most profound was how to not be hurt by what they said.

This process included tears, embarrassment, 1000yd stares at the wall after the conversations and a couple afternoons when the phone just got turned off. One person called me shallow and dangerous  and another called me a ball & chain to someone I love. In those moments there was a consistent choice that I had to make- I could either be crushed by the fact that I had not proven to this person that I was who I hoped I was, or I could become stronger, healthier and freer than I had been prior to the conversation... More like the man I'd hoped I was.

It quickly became amusing that each of these people had seen what I was sure I'd hidden flawlessly. It was funny to realize how well people knew me and the fact that they were willing to humor my attempts to present a more sorted version of myself. Once I got past the shock that they already knew what I thought I'd hidden from them, I got to face who I really am, experience how much I am in the presence of love... and grow.

Whenever I was confronted with their perspective, I was confronted with a very simple reality. That they saw someone other than what I had presented. The painful part of that was that they saw someone that I didn't think they would love. After all, I had defined that side of me as unlovable. So I presented a more selective version of myself... A "more lovable" one.

The pain quickly faded when I watched the expression on their face not change as they got to see the whole of who I am. They didn't agree that the more sorted version of me was more worthy of love. To watch the unsorted version get loved and actually change before my eyes as it could finally breathe, stretch and grow - I couldn't get stuff out fast enough. To watch myself become more of the man I'd wanted to be as I let all sides of me experience acceptance was nothing short of brilliant.

I'd hid parts of who I am in fear that I would not add up to "enough to be loved." It hurt when people pointed things out when I thought their comments diminished my final score. When I saw that they were pulling out sides of me that had been neglected into a reality of God's love I couldn't help but want them to go deeper. When I realized that God's love wasn't about me being worthy of it, I was free to soak in it and be changed by it.

It became easy to filter through moments of unhelpful criticizing and find the valuable insight because the stuff that was true came to life in the light, the stuff that wasn't just showed me when the person across from me was feeling insecure themselves. Those words weren't spoken in a moment that the person was hopeful for my future, but rather in a moment when the person needed to feel better about themselves. 

What I realized was that I am free to live as though all of me is well loved. I'm free to make choices as a man who's loved, relate with people as one who's already filled up, and face fears or take risks as a man who can not fail because I rest in a God who knows what His love will do in my life. I'm free to simply live loved.